Office banter

In all of the office settings I’ve worked, there is always water cooler banter, social chats in the hallways or informal gatherings around someone’s cubicle. Usually, a senior person initiates this break from work and others will join in on the conversation.

I’ve observed in boardroom meetings that the conversation will often switch from work to personal stories only when the highest ranking person in the room, the President or VP of Sales, decides to take the conversation that way. Since they are the leader and hold the power in the room, people are comfortable following suit since they are engaged in friendly banter.

Speaking styles are also mimicked, as someone starts talking about personal stories, say about their boyfriend, and then the other person will disclose information about their relationship and match their style. If, in a casual conversation, the person you were speaking to starts using slang, then you understand that it is ok to use slang as well. Linguist Deborah Tannen noted that in the companies she observed, the general pattern was: the higher a man’s rank, the more likelihood there was of cursing. Interesting observation – have you noticed that as well?

She said, He said

Have you noticed the way men and women express themselves differently?
When we communicate differently, this involves how we say something, what we say and how we interpret that information. Generally, guys tend to be more teasing and competitive when hanging out. Conversations can be on the surface where they talk about what they did last night rather than about their feelings. Conversely, girls support each other in conversation, are open and share stories in order to connect with one another. Our conversation styles have been shaped by our culture, family upbringing and gender. When I was a little girl, I would share my dolls with my friends and have tea parties, building friendships through conversation and sharing secrets. Boys on the other hand would play with soldiers and games, creating friendships by doing things together.

Listen to some conversations and see if you notice these styles coming out.


Just the other day I overheard two guys talking about a marketing project they were working on. One called the other “gay” because he knew that the manufacturer of Barbie was Mattel. He felt he had to cut this guy down with a derogatory remark. If a girl were in the conversation, the remark would be more along the lines of, “oh yeah, you’re right! Good job.” Conversation styles can be much more understated, or fit right into the gender stereotypes, as this example illustrates.

Dress styles

Lately I’ve been noticing people’s styles, particularly what they wear. Men’s styles tend to be more neutral or unmarked with little variation on the clothes they can wear: t-shirt or sweater, jeans or slacks, running shoes or loafers. Women, on the other hand, have so many style options, from dresses to skirts, blouses to tank tops, flats to heels, accessories, jewelry, and make-up. Women are considered “marked” (opinions are formed) by their clothes and style in the everyday life, while men are not. The term “marked” refers to the way language alters the base meaning of a word by adding something. For example, actor to actress, where the latter refers to a female actor. As Alfre Woodard (K-pax, Desperate Housewives) says, she identifies herself as an actor because “actresses worry about eyelashes and cellulite, and women who are actors worry about the characters they are playing".

Too often, we perceive individuals in a certain way based on the image they project. When I worked in an office, I would dress business casual as this was the policy. I would never wear anything with a plunging neckline as I felt this would question my authority and I didn’t want to portray myself in a sexual way.

My co-worker, on the other hand, would wear inappropriate clothing to work, being too concerned about her image, thus undermining her authority to get the job done professionally.

Perceptions are intriguing. I was told the other day I looked “smart” because I have eyeglasses. I guess it is a compliment, although that person is making a judgment call only because I have poor eyesight. Too often, we judge people’s characters based on their appearance. Dress styles definitely make a statement about our style, whether it be conservative, casual, trendy or modern, just be aware of the connotation it creates.