Conversation rituals

Saying I’m sorry, when you really aren’t is considered a conversational ritual, defined as an automatic saying when talking with other people. A common example is the greeting, “Hi, how are you?” where the typical answer is, “fine, thanks” or something along those lines. Rarely do we disclose our true feelings, even if we are not feeling fine. This opening is a way of greeting and acknowledging each other.

In the last group I worked with, a girl would constantly say, “I’m sorry”. We were evaluating our final draft for the report and she voiced her concern over the introduction section. I asked her to clarify what she meant, and she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, this section here needs more detail”. Did she really feel bad or is it just a built in conversational ritual? This example illustrates how women say, “I’m sorry” without actually apologizing and tend to use an indirect manner of speech. To understand the ritual nature of apologizing, think about an occasion such as a funeral. You might say, “I’m so sorry about your loss”, meaning you are expressing regret about something that happened without taking or assigning blame. I’m sorry can be an expression of understanding, empathy, and caring about the other person’s feelings rather than an apology.

Rituals differ from person to person and everyone has their own style of speaking. If we are in a dialogue with someone who shares our style, apologizing ritually, then we will understand that they are not apologizing, but just saying I’m sorry as a habit or a way of showing understanding. If this ritual is not understood, then this will make the person appear less confident, competent, and professional.

Another ritual in group work or in the office setting is asking, “what do you think?” in order to gain different points of view and lets others get involved. Someone who is unfamiliar with this ritual may be offended if their suggestions are never followed. A colleague asks, “if you’re not going to follow my suggestion, then why are you asking me?” In the workplace, it may not be the best idea to solicit for suggestions or opinions all the time because you may look incompetent or thought to lack confidence. To get around this, one could say, “I’d like to get your opinion on this even though I’ll make the decision myself”.

If we are able to understand the different rituals that people use while in discussion with each other, we can better understand what sayings are habits and which ones are really asking for an opinion or answer.

How we make decisions

Do you ever notice that men and women negotiate differently when working together?
The examples below illustrate how we voice our opinions and delegate tasks - the way each person addresses the situation is different.

Beth and Joseph are working on a project that involves researching four different areas of the market: packaging, price, competition and direct mail.

Joseph: I’ll do the packaging and price, you do the competition and direct mail market.
Style: Telling preference and commanding
Decision making process: Outwards to in - I’d like to work on this part of the project. You do this.


Beth: I’d like to do this part. What parts do you want to do?
Style: Stating preference and checking in
Decision making process: inwards to out - What would you like to do? What do you think? Style is vague and works inward, inviting others to express their perspective.

Beth argues that she is offended because it is not an invitation to grab parts and run away with them, rather it’s an invitation to talk about the various parts – which ones he has interest, experience in, and would like to learn more about. She feels it's best to divide the work so that both team members benefit.

Making decisions are a crucial and necessary part of everyday life.

There’s usually never enough time or information and you must evalutate the situation and come to the best decision. Think back to yesterday, what quick decisions did you have to make and how did you make them? Figure out your style, then recognize how other people make decisions and then take that information and use it adapt to the person you are working with.

When you have people in a group situation making decisions and working together, you need to understand how they make decisions differently, then you need to understand each other. When a woman states how she wants something done, she is often referred to as “bossy”. To get around this situation, many women pose ideas as suggestions instead of getting right to the point. This of course is a generalization, but observe your friends and see how they talk to each other. Do you notice a difference in how they communicate? On the other side of the coin, when a man states what he wants, he is perceived as, well … he isn’t questioned. It is somewhat expected that he is the boss and if he tells someone what to do, it isn’t questioned. Hmm. Think about that! Am I full of it or is there some truth there? Women have progressed in society, but I also recognize that the world is still largely in favor of man.

These are some observations about how men and women communicate differently. Generally we are not aware of these nuances, but if we are in tune with what’s going on, it should help us communicate more effectively. Let me know what you think! Stay tuned for more insight and thoughts to ponder.